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Advice – Don’t Rush into Marriage

DEAR AUNTIE ABENA,

I’m here once again. It has dawned on me to share this piece for us all to learn something from it.

This is about my family and here it goes.

My mom and dad divorced even before I could say “dada.” I knew nothing about it and till date none of them has told me why they divorced. They both have started new lives anyways. My dad had the opportunity to travel outside in 2003. In a space of every two years, he’d come home, spend 2months then go back. All this while he was single.

In 2010 he came home again. Two weeks after he got here, he brought a woman home to meet my grandparents (his mom and dad). Exactly three weeks later he was on his way to perform the Knocking rites for the woman. Our family didn’t understand what was going on but what could we say?

A month later, he came home and said he would be marrying the woman the following week so the family should prepare. Now we all assumed that probably they knew each other before his return. We just accepted everything that was happening.

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Indeed the week came and we went to the woman’s house to perform the traditional marriage ceremony. A week or two later they went to court for the ordinance marriage.

Wait don’t be bored. I’m gradually arriving at a point.

Because of these series of events, my dad spent three months in Ghana instead of the usual 2 months. He left after the three months. Six months later he filed his wife’s papers and came for her.

3 years later, my dad started complaining to my grandma about his wife. She wouldn’t agree to any intimacy for more than a year. She disrespected him, lied to him and still played victim because over there women are given more advantage than men.

Long story short, currently my step-mom has ran away with their four kids because she got the hint that my dad was about to divorce her. She ran in order to file for the divorce first so that her citizenship over there can be maintained or so I heard.

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What is the point of all this? I’m sure someone would ask.

Did you obverse the rush on my dad’s part? My step-mom once told me when my dad was in Gh in 2010, he told his friend that he needed a woman to marry. That friend was also her friend so he linked both of them.

That means there was no space for them to study each other, learn each other’s flaws and weaknesses, know what made the other sad, irritated, horny, angry, disgusted or happy.

They just rushed into the marriage because my dad desperately wanted to settle down. She also probably loved the idea of marrying a “Borga” and couldn’t wait to live her life in abroad.

Now they have both truly regretted. My step-mom used to complain that my dad never accepts his faults and thinks he’s right all the time. Now they are both suffering. For over a year now, he hasn’t set eyes on his kids and I can literally feel the hurt in his voice anytime he calls. “Mehuu y3 aanka “ (had I known)

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I have really learnt a lot from these events my family is facing. I have decided to stay neutral anytime both of them call to vent their hearts out because, taking a stand may be the worst thing to do at the moment.

Please I beg you. Do not rush into marriage because of riches or opportunities or what have you. I can promise you that your happiness and peace of mind will gravely be at stake. Get to know your partners. Learn to point out their red flags and if you can help them overcome it then good but if not please run.

Run for your dear life before it’s too late. Get to know your potential lifetime partners before you agree for a lifetime together.

Thank you.

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Written by Abena Magis

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