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How Do I Turn Him Down without Hurting Him

DEAR AUNTIE ABENA,

Good afternoon. I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my being. Months ago, I was ready to say yes to him whenever he popped the “will you marry me?” question but now, things have changed. And, I don’t know how to turn him down without hurting him.

We’ve been in a relationship for three years and I know he loves me just as much as I do him. My mum passed away just six months ago and my perception on relationships and love has drastically changed. The pain I felt from her passing is so great that I’m afraid to lose anyone I love again.

I currently have four siblings and a dad who have also been greatly affected by her passing. I know this is because of the love we had for her and she for us. Now, when I imagine getting married or being in a relationship, I imagine the probability of feeling the pain I’m feeling now if my husband passes before I do.

Frankly I don’t want to feel this pain anymore and I don’t want him to feel it either should I pass on before he does. I know it would be devastating to him if he really loves me the way he claims he does. I also imagine my kids going through the pain my siblings and I are going through now and wouldn’t wish that for them or for me when I pass or they pass before I do.

Long story short, I don’t want to get married anymore. I want an out of this relationship. Even though I really love him, I feel the pain of staying away from him will be much much less compared to what we’d both feel if one of us passes.

I need your help on how to tell him I want an out without hurting him anymore than it would. I overhead him talking about marrying me and I think he can pop the question any moment from now. I don’t want to turn his proposal down because that would be harder. Please help, it’s urgent.

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Written by Abena Magis

3 Comments

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  1. ahhhh…! how can be imagining death whiles u living? i personally think u are depressed. i feel u are strong and u gonna overcome this feeling cos its jux temporary. dont let him go… cos when u finally get over this wierd feeling u gonna need him

  2. Ok so you have something that may people want and you are willing to lose it because you are afraid of losing it. Now the problem is that there is nothing either of you can do about the fact that you will both die eventually, we all will die, what makes it tolerable to a degree is when we have family and friends who love us and can hold us when we lose people we love. Please don’t let him go, because if you do split up, and he’s to die sometime in the future, since you say you still love him, I’m sure you’ll still feel the sting.

  3. Life is made of light and darkness. The light is made brighter by all the darkness we see.
    Do not drown in the dark because you are afraid the light may go off.
    Tend to it and do not smolder it.

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