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I’m Wearing a Ring without Marriage

DEAR AUNTIE ABENA,

I’m wearing a wedding ring because of the shame of living with a man who’s not ready to marry me. My story is a sad one.

We’ve been living together for 11 years and we have 4 boys. The last one was a girl but she died last year (lived for 3 months). My “husband” and I met in school and I fell in love with him even before we became friends. He dated someone but their love couldn’t hold and he proposed. We dated for 6 years before I realized he was cheating on me with another girl who he wanted to marry.

I nearly died when he told me he was no longer in love with me. I loved him so much and became desperate. His family had to come in before he accepted me back. He told me the girl wasn’t agreeing to leave and it’s true because she sent me threatening messages.

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I packed and moved into his place for her to know she came to meet me in his life. After some time, she got the picture and left him for me. I realised I was pregnant and wanted to abort it because I was then in school. He promised to marry me so I wouldn’t abort. That’s when he got me a promise ring.

I gave birth and he did the Naming. My people asked him to do the right thing. He kept postponing it until I got pregnant again and he went to do the Knocking. I wanted to do my Masters and he paid the fees, nothing else so I had to struggle to take care of the rest.

I got pregnant again and this time if not for my mom even the Naming he wouldn’t have come because he was then cheating with another girl and didn’t care about me. After 3 children with him, this man told me to forget about marriage to him because he’s decided to have only kids.

I didn’t have anywhere to go. Which man will take care of 3 kids so I had to beg him to still stay because he’d already rented an apartment where he was going to stay with the other woman. He still said he’s over. When I realized I was pregnant, I didn’t tell him. It was our oldest kids who told him before he came to the house one morning to take me to the hospital.

After I gave birth, he came to do the Naming and kept coming to the house, even rented a new bigger place for us. One thing led to the other and we had sex. I asked him what’s the way forward and he said he’ll come. I told him on condition that he marries me. He bought a new promise ring for me, went for the list and moved in with us.

It’s been 2 years since then and he’s still not ready. When I was in school because I wanted to concentrate on only him, I bought a gold ring which I added to his promise ring making 2 rings. When we broke up, I was still wearing the 2 rings and have been wearing them because people won’t understand. My family doesn’t understand. I don’t even understand why after 11 years oh. Auntie Abena, July 23rd will be 12 solid years since we started living together and he’s still not married me.

Not that he can’t marry me. He has everything available to marry me but he still says marriage is just a concept and it’s not the paper and rings which makes it so. I told him to at least do something small for my family to recognize him as a son in-law but he refused. I’m still here wearing my ring. If I meet a good guy who’s ready to take on me and 4 kids, I’ll gladly leave but for now I’m still stuck on my kids father.

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Written by Abena Magis

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  1. That’s is the mistake women makes. We think we are wiser than God who asked us stay away from fornication. Even single ladies without a child koraa we are struggling to get a husband and you with 4kids for a man who is not ready for marriage. No single guys without a child will come for you to except single dad, widowers or divorcee.
    Why will a man but a cow when he get the milk for free? Your parents should give you out to him as a free gift to cement what you have already started.

  2. please, I humbly suggest that you forget, in fact renounce the wish of having him as your husband. what crime at all did you commit. labour for your kids, their future is everything you have now and may ever have. pray hard that one shows up and would be of good standing.

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