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No Sex, No Visitation

DEAR AUNTIE ABENA,

Good morning to you and the Mano fans. Please I need an advice but my story is a little bit long. I met a guy some years back at a training session when I was very depressed and frustrated sake of what my then boyfriend did to me. We became friends and later started dating.

This guy was soo good to me that I might have not been who I am today without his help. Now the relationship has turn into something else that I can’t describe and I don’t want to be ungrateful to him too.

It all started when I noticed from the beginning of our relationship that he has a lady who always visits him, they eat, walk together and have some clothes with the same design and colour. In fact they were like couples but the guy claimed they were just friends. I could hear the talking and laughing when I stand behind the guy’s window whenever I go there but this guy claimed they were just besties.

The lady enters the guys rooms without knocking and the guy sees nothing wrong about it but when I do the same, then it becomes a taboo. I saw their WhatsApp chat where the lady asked the guy about the relationship between him and I. He told her told her that I am just a friend to him and it’s because I was depressed that’s why he allowed me to get closer to him. Hhmm. Meaning they were not just friends.

Aside that lady, he went for another lady when I travelled for just one month. And the story about that his affairs too is for another day. All this while, the lady he claims to be his bestie too was still in the picture but I kept quiet. This my guy was having his way out sleeping with other girls who came to do their national service at his work place. He feels oka walking and talking to other girls in public but feels abnormal to get closer to me in public. I will pretend in public as if we are just friends and will be hiding our relationship.

We were working at the same place and I dated not get closer to him when a co-worker is with him. This was hurting me so all the feelings and love I had for him started to decrease.

He told me straight out that he won’t marry me because I won’t make him happy since I don’t often give him sex or romance and don’t do what makes him happy. I was not doing all that because I noticed he wanted to take advantage sake of my condition by then, though he was helping me too.

It was like all he wanted from me is sex, sex, sex because he thought I have nothing to offer him in exchange of the kindness and help he gave me than sex. Hhhhmmm. I got a job and moved to another town and the ladies who came into picture too is another story. I also was not having the feelings for sex with him because of his lies and attitude.

I thought of my ex and my feelings for that ex increased. I thought of going back to him because the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. I went back and settled with my ex without telling that current guy and started to distance myself from him. Thank God he also was later transferred to another region.

Before his transfer, he used to visit me at my new place and I was doing the same but was not allowing him to sleep with me. My problem here is, after his transfer, he wants to visit me or I will visit him. I told him that he shouldn’t visit me if his intention is to have sex with me because I can’t let him waste his money, energy and time to come to me when I can’t make him happy or satisfy him but I will just find a day to come and see his new place.

He said, if I am not ready to have sex with him, then I should also not think of going to see his new place. Meanwhile he is aware I’m in relationship no so we can be just friends but he is not getting me. All he always talks about is sex and this is someone who always says he cares about me, love and likes me.

Then why is he giving me a condition that NO SEX, NO VISITATION? He thinks I have been ungrateful to him for all he did for me but auntie, his actions and attitude drove me out of the relationship. So my question is, am I being ungrateful? And how do I sort it out with him? Please help a confused sister.

Part 2

Auntie Abena, I have read all the comments and realized many people wanted to know what my current boyfriend (then ex) did that led to the depression. I was depressed because the guy (then ex) got another lady pregnant. I didn’t say anything nor react to it after I asked him and he confirmed and explained how it happened. He didn’t do it intensionally, it was just once when he ate some food prepared with some herbs (wee and some other items) unknown to him by his friends. That was his first time eating it, he doesn’t even drink not smoke.

He became drunk and uncontrollable. So he slept with the lady and she helped him to go and sleep and it was confirmed by friends that, the same lady in question prepared the food. So one can imagine her intentions. I was still nice and acting normal to him but he became scared of me thinking I will hurt or could harm him as a payback.

Even his family members also said the same thing that my silence on that issue meant a lot so he should be careful and self cautious. But I never had it in mind to harm him. Though he apologized for it and though I didn’t show any signs of acceptance, within me I had forgiven him. He started to distance himself from me when he noticed I wasn’t saying anything about it. To the extent that he can dodge me when he sees me think I might harm him so that led to the depression.

I would not have gone in for a different guy if he hadn’t distanced himself from me out of fear. I would have stayed with him because the guy’s family didn’t allow him to be with that lady. They took the child so they have gone their separate ways now. Though the child is with the guy’s mum, I see no mistake about him aside that..That’s the reason why I went back to him when he got separated with the lady.

That NO SEX, NO VISITATION guy too, I wasn’t denying him sex from the beginning, but I started doing that when I noticed his behavior and didn’t want to commit myself into another danger. Thanks to those who said I should not go for the visit. I will not go, and I have already blocked him too.

This is an updated story

Written by Abena Magis

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