DEAR AUNTIE ABENA,
I am grieving deep inside me and trying to do the right thing but in so much pain I can’t breathe.
When I was in the university, I had an affair with a guy on campus. Even though I was one level ahead of him, he was older than me and never made me feel bad for being a year ahead of him in school. I thought we were going to get married one day because he was everything I wanted in a man and I really loved everything about him. He ticked all my boxes and was so kind and good to me. He never for once made me doubt him because I was his only female friend on campus and always made me the center of his world. We finished school and this boy started ignoring my calls.
READ ALSO: A Letter to Single Ladies
In those days of Communication Centers (Comm Centers), I’ll have to call the woman operating the center to go and call him to receive the call. The woman will come back and tell me he’s not at home but if any of my friends called him, he will receive it. I made a friend call him and that’s how I got to talk to him. He told me it’s over because he was never really serious about settling down with me. He thought I understood that what we had was just for campus.
I was devastated. I thought I hadn’t heard him right. I went to his town to try and see him but he refused and sent his friend to tell me that if I visited him to change his mind, I should forget it. He’s not a small boy and knows what he wants.
I took myself back home and cried myself to sleep every single night. My big brother had a friend and he was the only one I could talk to. I was crying one day when he came to visit. He kissed me. I can’t say he raped me because I willingly gave in but after that, though he wanted us to be in a relationship, I wasn’t interested. I felt unwanted. I felt like I was cheap because I had broken heart from a guy and had sex with another guy.
2 months later I realized I was pregnant. It tore the whole family apart because my dad had high ambitions for me. I was depressed. Nothing made sense anymore. The only thing which kept me going was my unborn child. When my family realized that, they supported me and I gave birth to a healthy girl who has been my joy and love.
Now my daughter is 24 years old and has met the love of her life. The guy she’s in love with happens to be the 27 year old son of the man I once loved. The man who lied to me whiles I was in school with him and never told me he was married with 2 kids already.
I didn’t know until he came with his son to perform the Knocking Rites. I was shocked when I saw him. My daughter’s boyfriend had looked a bit familiar but I couldn’t place him until I saw the two of them together. I confronted my ex after the meeting that I cannot allow his son to marry my daughter.
All he told me was “stop behaving like a child. I moved on years ago so move on and allow the kids to marry. Stop being petty.”
Abena, am I being petty not to allow my daughter to marry his son because my son inlaw to be will always be a reminder of what the father did. I know I never got over him because he hurt me without me deserving it. I told my daughter and she told me if leaving the fiance will make me happy, then she’s willing to make the sacrifice but is it fair? How do I overcome this pain? I’m still hurt that my ex isn’t sorry for what he did to me.